Fast Music Slow Traffic

Music is enchanting

It has Strong power

To move you, with it

In Trance!!

My mind raced

There is no looking back!

I will run! I will achieve

I will bring the change!

In trance

My mind raced

New ideas developed

New revolutions made

 2 minutes of achievement

In trance

My mind raced

Thoughts at speed of light

Stirred feelings -of accomplishment

Of what has been done

And will be done.

Of freedom and ecstasy

Thoughts grew, took shape

In trance

My mind raced

Alas! I opened my eyes

I am still at the same place!

Drivers honking

Traffic moving at 10 Km per hour

Dreams & Reality

Not at the same pace

Its suffocating

I feel caged

Transcendent and back

Reality hurts! Illusion escalates

So I closed my eyes

Back in trance

I let my mind race

In the Mirror

 

“Thank you for being there for me – I am blessed to know someone like you…..”

 “Only if I would have find you years back my life would have been much better…Thanks”

“ With you around I feel much more stronger …Thank you for standing like a rock for me…”

 

And there are still more words/ sentences of similar effect, I keep hearing from people I barely know … -so repetitive and so similar in nature that now it is analogous to the cluttering of a machine to my brain- which has stopped accepting the emotions underneath at all- love and appreciation do not stir a ripple in my heart any more. I do not doubt the intent/sincerity of people who said such things to me- I better not! The question which leaves me pondering every night is- “How can somebody be so special for every one??”-  Its not something to boast about, it’s strange it is weird, it’s scary!!!

At this point it is important to explain to readers, who are chuckling at my baseless disclosure of a common phenomenon and exaggerating upon it , following important points:

a)      I am not a Counselor nor a spiritual leader neither a doctor or a lawyer

b)      I am not running an NGO, for upliftment of society

 

And more importantly it’s only since last few years, I am being given garlands of such appreciations. Every one like to be loved & respected in the society, then why am I not happy? I am no different from others! I am standing in front of the mirror ,its already past midnight, I am all alone, I am all by myself, feeling bad about the guy who told me in the evening ‘how I made him a better man’… I almost felt my reflection smiling at me as if its saying : “What a waste of time!- go off to bed” – I cant! not today, I frowned at my reflection, tomorrow is weekend!, so I stood there gazing at myself (oh! I m beautiful!!)…I saw myself I am so imperfect, so diabolic, so scheming type  How can I actually make someone a better human? When, I am not even near human myself. If humanity has 100 points I would barely get passing marks!

My Mashlow’s pyramid is inverted: 

I have attained self actualization before other basic needs like Social Stature! I know I am no God, infact I am close to devil, but yes I know that for sure and never felt godly before, may be that does make me an elevated individual. Atleast I know! Or may be I am lucky “bitterness” is what I have in me, and I speak that too, ascerbity has two effects- depression or elevation, my listeners took my harsh words sportingly (No one committed suicide, or left the job in hand) and became “better humans” instead; however if anybody is taking chances with their life in future (or after reading this) I know I will come out clean, I am born in the family of lawyers! This is what all spiritual gurus are doing…. And man they are rich!!

 So far so good I have no regrets – not even for wasting one hour in front of the mirror (oh! I am beautiful)- my heart’s feeling light now and I can go off to sleep finally. If I am contributing in making even a man a better individual I am happy I better not think of expurgating my diabolical thoughts- that someone else’s job!!

  

I went off to sleep immediately and in my dream I saw thousands of people sitting with hands clasped, praying silently as if the god in front is the answer to all their worries and pain. The people are ready to give up all their asset and gold just to have a blessing from one that’s sitting on golden throne, surrounded with “greens” and “yellows” while people around chanted prayers.  As the prayers grew stronger and people became more anxious just to see the face of God, flame of the lamp glowed . I could see the face of God myself!

There on Golden throne sat a goddess so serene,

Her smile was pure her intentions clean

She never objected your yellow or green

For she can make you a man you wanted to be

Away from all pain careless and free

And as the lamp’s flame glowed her face I could see,

Sitting on golden throne was noone but me!  

 

*Wide Awake*

 

 

 

Looking At The Broken Auto Meter

Present Time....

Me :  My Booking Number is 2345 I have booked a Cab for 9 A.M, its already 9:00 where is the Cab??
Call Center Executive (female) :  Oru Nimisham
2 mins hold
Call Center Executive (Male): Madam Driver is on the way
Me : But I want it at 9:00 I have a meeting to attend
Call Center Executive (Male): Some Gibberish
Me : Please Speak in English
Call Center Executive (Male): Madam Taxi not available, Taxi at 10 :00 A.M
Me: But I BOOKED LAST NIGHT (yes I shouted)
Call Center Executive (Male): Gibberish again
2 mins hold
Me : What are you doing its 9:10 already
Call Center Executive (Male): Madam driver on the way
----------------- disconnected---------------

Flashback ....

Not so long ago in Suburbs of Chennai...

I waived my hand to stop the speeding Auto-rickshaw,to take a ride back home. The black and Yellow Auto (as it is popularly called) came to halt few meters before me.A well built Auto walla peered and said something in Tamil, I guessed he must have said "where" so I  told my destination which is not even two kms from where I was standing .

Yes I could have walked!- had that 1Kms stretch near my house would not be  deserted and pitch dark and unsafe 

There!! I heard him say- unabashed !! "80 Rs Madam!! 80 Rs?? for two Kms?? I must have heard it all wrong!! I confirmed..."80?? or 40??" He gave me a strange look - A look you want to give to a retard, chuckled and left

Later I heard that Autowalla has been admitted in hospital due to shock he got after hearing the number 40 Some people say he took it as an insult and went into depression!

Next Auto came, I told my location and got100 this time "100??" I exasperated... "but the earlier Auto said 80!"

"OK Madam!! OK 80!!"

And 80 it was! I sat for the first time on shaky spirally rollar-coastery ride on wrong side of the road. for 40 Rs/Km  (Wow!). I saw a meter inside !!  Question : What is that meter doing in the auto??



Since then I kept paying 80 without revolt! I have accepted the inevitable, 80 then became 90 and then  100 in no time. Sometime 20-30 Rs extra for traffic as well!!  Question : What is that meter doing in the auto??

How was I to know that worse is yet to come!

And one unfaithful day it happened!! I shifted to another office location -11 Kms far from my house!!. I did my Unitary method calculations and got unbelievably  high numbers. Auto commute can end up sucking my whole salary!!

An 'expert auto traveler' gave me a sense of relief  - "don't worry about long distance travel, its not that much. Like for short distance minimum is 50 for long distance it is 150 to 200!"  To put it simply in his words - 'What they see is 50 what they can't is 200'

Question : What is that meter doing in the auto??

I braced myself for new battle! the 'expert auto traveler' was correct, Auto walas always quoted something between 150-200 !, I tried negotiating several time but in vain! However what that 'expert auto traveler' did not tell me that - Auto-wala may just abandon me on that 1 Km eerie road and ask for more money in order to drop me home!! Tired of extortion I decided to switch

I switched to Cab Services!! 100 Rs for 1st 4 kms and 13 Rs/ Km there after. Cab runs on meter!!

Not bad! cheap and convenient AC transport.  Enough of cluttering of Auto and 'heart in mouth' travel experience , Now I will travel in peace-  well that is what I thought.

I booked a cab from my house to office at 9:00. Boy I was in for some surprise! 9:15 already and nobody came!!! The driver called me at 8:45 and told me that he will be there at 9:00 its 9:15 and he is still not here.. I called him several times and got busy tone. Finally by 9:25 he reached. He was apologetic, spoke English and drove safe and best of all- I saved myself from negotiation slugfest. Anybody can be late! I did not bother

I swear late coming of  Cabs (15-20 mins) did not deter me day one, or two , or three.. I accepted it just like I accepted irrational auto fares!! but then they pushed me too far - frequent 2 hours delay!

Also banging phones on my face is not what I was in for!!

Back in Present Time....

Familiar interiors!!..it has nothing but images- 2 of God, 3 of  a Tamil Politician (different Avatar)  and one in the corner of a Tamil film actor. The incense stick was burning in front of the politician.

As the Auto sped past all the vehicles, breaking all traffic rules, on footpath! I looked at the broken meter, I thought it smirked!After all its non-existence won! I sighed,once again I have accepted the inevitable! Defeated I put on my ipod and acted as if nothing ever happened 

It was always like this and will always be

Thinking Out Loud

Exactly after 6 months and 25 days here I am back on the same track.... Sitting idle on Sunday Morning after few hours of sleep and blogging..or as I would like to say "Thinking out loud".In these 6 months and 25 days my thoughts have  been centrifuged to just one thing - ME!  Yes this post is going to be about me.

Random & confusing!

Reality hit me only yesterday- it seems like I was under a spell all the time and its only yesterday I heard that clap and snapped back into reality! The present time!! Time where everything has moved on except for myself.  While the world is looking forward to 2013 ...For me it is still April! That poem I started composing is still unfinished... The picture that I wanted to paint has not been coloured. I have not learnt a new trade or art.

6 months 25 days!! Gone!!

Like everything in the world this too has a reason. I can sit here lament the loss- which I have been doing all these days! Evaluating  loss!! Escaping reality !! -Tell you all about it and prove that its not my fault but then I will be lying!

Volenti non-fit injuria*!!

Its a loss yes! can it be avoided?- I don't know.. Will it happen again?-May be... ...but then I know I will come back, like today someday, I will be back again. Will it happen soon?- I will not let that be!! I remember an honest answer I gave in the final round of Ms Fresher 2005 contest, to the question "what qualities you have in you to keep you going?" I said "I am resilient"

Back again!!


Aparna

* the precept that denotes a person who knows and comprehends the peril and voluntarily exposes himself or herself to it, although not negligent in doing so, is regarded as engaging in an assumption of the riskand is precluded from a recovery for an injury ensuing therefrom.